Everything I wish I said

Everything I wish I said

Dear past self, 

I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through. 

Multiple guys getting off at the fact that you were female. 

You compensating for the fact that you were alone.

Grasping on to any form of affection that you could get your hands on.

A hug was salvation, a kiss, a distraction from the pain inside. 

I’m sorry for not feeding you enough. 

For working you hard even when you had no energy.

For not acknowledging how beautiful you are.

For looking in the mirror and not seeing the muscles

that were extremely present

and only “fat” 

that you desperately wanted to remove.

I’m sorry for running you ragged. 

For making you run until your feet bled,

your legs hurt and your lungs be on fire.

I’m sorry for nearly drowning you. 

For suffocating you under the water. 

For trying to make you disappear. 

I’m sorry for not seeing the true potential

and beauty you have in you.

I’m sorry that it took a dog brushing you

with their tail of happiness,

for me to see that you deserve a chance.

I don’t know what else to say other than that I’m sorry -

for hurting you when all you needed was love and support. 

You are beautiful and you are worth it. 

Dear present self,

Give yourself more credit.

People don’t understand what you have been through.

They don’t understand the constant pain that you have inside

-even though you are on medication. 

How breathing and waking up 

are sometimes the most difficult thing

that you have to get through.

How occasional drinking is something that relieves your sadness.

They will always criticize what you do.

Your acquaintances don't really know who you are.

They will never get it.

I’m sorry that  your relationship is ruined and all you get now

 is awkward hi’s and meek responses

 to questions that you have asked once before.

They never care of you first anymore.

It’s okay to be sad sometimes but you have to remember

all of the incredible people around you. 

All your friends that support you. 

They are there for you even when you don't talk to them. 

Their presence is enough. 

You will get through whatever you are going through. 

Just breathe.